Dear Points & Miles,

We’ve come a long, long way together, through the spreadsheets, monthly bill payments, countless miles in the sky- the cancellations, delays, heartache, happiness, annual fees and everything in between, but it’s time to say goodbye. It’s time to part ways. It’s time to spend you, miles.

I remember when we first started together. A measly 1,000 miles in the bank, but thanks to you, all those hours in the air and those aggressive credit card bonuses are really going to amount to something. You became a part of my every purchase, I never did anything without you, not even my morning coffee. But like all good things, you’ve reached your pinnacle and we must begin to part ways. You’ll never be more valuable than you are today, and we both deserve the best. You see, I don’t want to tarnish the memories and legacy we’ve built together. If one more damned airline decides that you’re not worth as much as you used to be, I’ll just cry. We’ve just gotta do this. We worked so hard for this.

I’m going to hang up and call back until I speak to someone really nice in a call center who will make sure you go to good use. Don’t worry, I’m not trading you in for any lousy economy seats. You’ve made my days happier than ever, so when we split, we’re going top first class and we’re going to get the highest cents per mile we possibly can. I’m thinking somewhere warm, bit of culture, tons of sun, nice beaches and some incredible food. Maximum value, for you. I’ll look to use you on a top partner carrier, someone like Cathay Pacific who serves champagne worthy of your legacy and our breakup. May our pain be Krug Champagne.

Fear not, miles, I’ll be back for you soon. We just need to maximize our relationship while we’ve gotten so far and stacked up so many chips together. We don’t want those chips to lose value, and we can always rebuild. We will always rebuild. Wish me luck as I instruct phone agents the various routing rules, flight numbers and requirements to make you worthwhile. I’ll be thinking of you too, until we meet again.

In case you’re wondering, this was a fun letter to mileage hoarders…