Pardon me while I pitch a tent in the airport, create a bubble around my seat or turn this carry on bag into a DJ station complete with sound system. Because the world has far too many eccentric people, all with illusions of privacy and entitlement while traveling, “clever” companies have captured their needs by creating some of the most ridiculous, useless and humorous travel accessories that you can’t even imagine to be real. They are…
The B Tourist “Suite” Strip
Why ever pay for business class? Sometime’s it’s not even that private! I’d imagine the pitch for this completely useless, overpriced, oversized sock went something like that. The B Tourist allows you to put what amounts to a large scarf around your seat, protecting your eyes from the humanity around you at any point in travel. Only problem, they’ll see you, and you undoubtedly look like a ^^^^ moron.
The TripSound Roller Case
Ever taken a stroll through the airport and said “damn, I wish I could sit on my luggage and DJ for all these tired tourists?” You can. The TripSound is a hard roller case, which works as a carry on. Not only does it convert to a comfortable seat, by government torture standards, it also boasts speakers, allowing you to seal your fate as the most hated person wherever you are traveling to in the world. Oh, and the pleasure will cost you over $700.
The Mini Motel
Did that no good airline cancel or delay your flight? Why bother fighting for hotel vouchers when you can just pitch a tent in the terminal?! One man’s trash may truly be another man’s treasure, but who is seriously going to reach into the extra bag that they brought, pull out a neon orange tent complete with mattress and alarm clock, to ensure you don’t miss your rescheduled flight and pass out? And yes, it’s useless because it was designed for the airport, not the camping grounds I avoid on a daily basis.
Slot Flop Sandals
Why hide your valuables in your safe, or risk putting them in your wallet, when you can hide them in your easily identifiable touristy flip flops. Yes, you can fit a few credit cards, ID and more under your foot in this clever flip flop that really makes me want to take up a life of crime. Remember thieves, don’t look for jewels, just look for any tourist wearing flip flops that all look the same.
Little Cloud Nine Pillow
Want to look like you’re analyzing samples in a crime lab while failing to sleep? The Little Cloud Nine pillow is your ticket to sticking your head into cheap plastic, which of course you spent the first hour of the flight trying to inflate. Not only will you look like a moron, you’ll likely be the last off the plane as you try to pack it back into its original size. That’ll prove especially hard after the oxygen deprivation caused between airplane air and inflating a gigantic microscope looking piece of crap.